Priapus: A Huge Dick with a Huge Dick
Priapus was a minor Greek god; an ill-tempered dwarf whose personality matched his giant, ever-on-display, genitalia. Like other Greek gods who enjoyed displaying their weaponry (Zeus and his thunderbolt, Athena and her spear, Hades and his bident, etc…), Priapus liked to show off his “weapon” at all times and many of his behaviors are directly related to the use, or attempted use, of his beef bayonet. Priapus “is mainly known for his huge virile member, and the size of it is so enormous that it has been called ‘column’, ‘twelve-inch pole’, ‘cypress’, ‘spear’, ‘pyramid’, and many other names of the same kind referring to the dimensions of his penis.” (maicar.com)
Sometimes depicted in art as weighing his fandangled mandangler against a haul of vegetables from a garden, Priapus was not only a god of fertility and male potency but was also the god of vegetable gardens and known as a protector of beehives, flocks, vineyards, merchant sailing, and fishermen. Statues of Priapus would be placed in gardens as a way to elicit vegetable-growing help from the god but also as a literal protector in the form of a scarecrow; sailors would often keep a small figurine of Priapus in their pockets to protect them on their journeys and stroked his fishing rod for good luck.
Although Priapus’ parentage isn’t certain, probably because no god wanted to take credit for sending a diminutive serial-rapist down to Earth, it’s generally accepted that he was the offspring of an adulterous affair between Dionysus (or possibly Zeus, or Apollo) and Aphrodite. Hera became angry when she found out about the pregnancy, since she also wanted to bed the god, so she cursed Priapus in-utero to a life of being ugly, short, impotent, and foul-minded. When Priapus was born, Zeus became jealous of his (Priapus’) glorious gland of glee and kicked him out of the heavens to live on Earth where he was raised by nymphs and shepherds, which brought him into close contact with Pan and satyrs, all well-known for their sexual desires and sexual exhibition. The stories I’ve read are unclear as to how it came about but one day Priapus went from being impotent to permanently sporting the greatest blood-engorged mayonnaise cannon ever seen.
One of the more popular stories of Priapus involves a wine tasting with nymphs, gods, and goddesses, attended by the virginal goddess Hestia. After a night of drinking, everyone is lounging around in the grass making out, or sleeping. Priapus is agitatedly walking around the dying-down party with his cycloptic milk-spitter swaying in the breeze when he spots the sleeping Hestia and decides to have his way with her. As he’s about to get down to business, a donkey, belonging to fellow-party-goer Silenus, happens by and brays waking up Hestia, who screams and escapes the clutches of Priapus, and brings a crowd around to see what is going on. The crowd, angrily defending Hestia, attacks Priapus who also manages to escape and later kills the donkey out of anger at being blue-balled. Priapus could really hold a grudge; he hated all donkeys from then on which is why it was the animal of choice to sacrifice in an attempt to win the god’s favor.
While most scholars believe that Priapus just liked to show off his deep-veined purple-helmeted Spartan of love, a 2015 study published in the Journal of Urology suggests that he may have also suffered from phimosis, a painful condition that makes it impossible to fully retract the foreskin during an erection. If this is true, the endless pain not only from a constantly engorged yogurt-spraying tunnel ferret, but also from the severe phimosis, would help explain why he was always an asshole.
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